now and then
On a cold, foggy quiet winter’s morning, Walking down Johnston street , where my aunty lived. As my family and I are walking down the street, we reach her house. Which it seemed to be like a haunted house, with on one in it. Her driveway looked liked a green pathway, with moss covering it. reaching for the creaky door, I imagine what it use to be like when she would come to the door, to welcome me in. walking inside, to the bitterly cold air, that you can see your own breath. The floor creaking walking through the kitchen, the tap drips into the sink, it sends shivers up my spine. Walking into the living room and see the tv going, it’s empty, like a brand new home. Windows are crying from the damp, cold air. Up the hallway I come across her bedroom. The curtains are closed, and all I see is an unmade bed and boxes of photos with old memories
A warm tuesday afternoon, I greet my aunty at the door, she tells me to come in. As I start to walk in, all I can smell is the mold, and damp cold air, like I was in antarctica. walking to the dinner table, and sit in her favourite chair. The great big cookie jar catches my eye this jar sits on the dining room table, it’s filled with homemade chocolate chip cookies. My ears would perk up, as she puts on the kettle. Several cups of tea and cookies later, I get up from the table and start to help her screw up news paper, and get wood for the fire. We would sit down on the couch sitting by the window, watching big trucks pass the house, as there’s not much to do in boring little Milton
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Add Yours →As we discussed, Katey:
– The now and then must be on the SAME scene. So you should do your aunty’s house whilst she was alive and after she passed. Write about the changes.
– make sure it is a CREATIVE DESCRIPTION of her house. Your aunty and the warmth she brought to the scene can be in there – she can feature in there – but it has to describe the setting. The things you see, hear, smell, touch, feel.
Today’s feedback, Katey:
– Make sure all your sentences are crafted for effect. In the ‘now’ section, they feel rushed and listed. There is more flow to them in the ‘then’ paragraph; however, greater punctuation can be used
– Make sure you keep appealing to the senses – describing the scene according to all the things you see, hear, smell, can touch, taste…really bring the piece to life.
Today’s feedback:
– look at your repetitive simple sentence starters – vary these in places
– Keep developing the scenes – esp. the change between the two of them. What differences can you note (write from the senses)